Remedy
by Jaroslav Lewis
Summary: After being numb for so many years, Levi Ackerman longs to feel again. Having found the cure to his pain, is he finally ready to heal his broken heart and love again? Levi X OC/Reader One-shot! R&R!
**Title: Remedy
** **Author: jankeira896  
** **Pairing: Levi Ackerman X Avery Maguire (OC/Reader)  
** **Disclaimer: All "Attack on Titan"/"Shingeki No Kyojin" characters belong to Hajime Isayama. The only character that I own in this fanfiction is my OC, Avery Maguire.**

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" _After a great pain, a formal feeling comes"_

 _-Emily Dickinson_

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 **Levi's P.O.V**

Pain hurts like hell when it first hits you. It fucking hurts that you'd definitely resort to shitty pain killers. Now these shitty pain killers, they aren't any good either. They only make you forget for a short while, but nevertheless, the pain is still there. It would come and go from time to time until it gets worse and finally decides to stay and hurt you even more.

It starts with the most vulnerable part of your body; the heart. From there, it worsens and takes over your whole being. It becomes unbearable, to the point where pain killers slowly lose its effectiveness and you become immune to them.

When the pain gets worse you start to feel numb. Every part of you shuts down and nothing hurts anymore. You feel nothing. No happiness but also, no sadness.

Every so often people would think that to become free from pain, one must get used to it and go through the numbing stage. But that's not how it works.

What many do not know is that there is a remedy that would make the pain subside. Taking the remedy is what truly makes one free from pain.

At some point in your life remedies would come your way, but you'd hesitate to take them. Truth be told, taking the remedy is actually the hardest part.

When you become accustomed to pain, you forget to feel and when the opportunity to heal comes, you waver. You become terrified of the thought of feeling again. You forget the feeling of happiness because all you can think about is the sadness that cut your heart so deep. You disregard the feeling of relief because hurt still lingers.

The weird thing about pain is that it hurts so much that you hate it but when you get accustomed to it, you hold on because after everything you've been through, it's the only thing that's safe. You'd rather not heal than go through it again.

Most people would think that those who succumb to numbness are the strong ones. But the truth is, they are actually the weak ones. The numb are simply cowards who are afraid to feel again. They hide behind a mask, behind a thick shield of numbness to protect themselves.

And to be honest...

I am one of them.

Yes. I am a coward little piece of crap. I am nothing special. I am no different from others.

I have been dubbed as 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier' probably because of my military skills and cold image. But behind my strong façade hides a hopeless, terrified and tired Levi that many fail to see, because at the end of the day, stupid people only care about fucking Lance Corporal Levi who would spare them from becoming titan feeds.

No one cares if I'm tired of seeing my comrades die. I bet nobody even cares if I'd die because in this world, death is such a normal circumstance. Everyone fucking dies, whether if it's physically, mentally, or emotionally. Every day, every expedition, hundreds of people die and they're nothing special because shitty life still goes on for the living anyway.

If you survive, you are strong. If you die, you are weak. That's how things go now in this stupid world. Sucks, doesn't it?

And yet, despite all the suckish things that exist in this stupid world, I still chose fight and live.

There are so many reasons to give up on this world, but also, so many reasons to hold on and keep fighting.

And for me...

 _She_ is one of those reasons.

Avery Maguire is the reason why I still see the world as something beautiful. It's such a pathetic and unlikely thing for me to say, but...

She is my remedy.

And yet, I still chose to push her away like a disgusting yet soothing little pill.

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It was a stupid plan but I decided to go on with it anyway, hence, there I was in Erwin's office that afternoon, convincing him to take Avery's squad out of the draft for the upcoming expedition. It was insane, irrational and totally reckless for me to do, but I knew I just couldn't risk it. After I had lost Eld, Gunther, Oluo and Petra during the female shifter's attack, I knew I wouldn't be able to bear seeing her suffer the same fate. I can't lose her. I just fucking can't.

"I don't know, Levi. Avery's very reliable. With her and her team's assistance, the success rate of the upcoming mission is higher than the last expedition. I believe that there is a dire need for her aid, since your elite members have died in battle and are now replaced with rookies. Also, I do think that both of you make a good team, considering that she used to be your subordinate. I don't see any reason to take her out of the draft. Besides, didn't you recommend her for promotion?" He said sternly as he scanned the files on his mahogany desk. I stood firmly in front of his desk and thought of different ways to convince him, numerous lies to blurt out just to keep her safe.

"She's fucking incompetent." I said. It was a total lie. She was one of the most amazing soldiers in the field. She was a protégé and I knew, the moment I trained her that she was special. "I made a wrong decision of recommending her for promotion. She may have been a good subordinate, but she's definitely not a leader. She's reckless. She's a fucking wuss in the field."

"You know that I can't just base my decisions on your rants and other vague facts right? I'm sorry Levi but I can't just change the draft right away. But I'll do think about it. Thank you for informing me regarding this matter." He said and with that I took the hint and left his office.

I sighed to myself as I placed my hands inside my pockets and walked through the halls of the head quarters and then out into the training field to check up on the little shits.-Jaeger and the rest of the new ones.

I found them practicing their hand to hand combat. As I walked in front of them, they greeted me and gave me a proper salute. I nodded at them, giving them the signal to resume their practice. I observed each one of them, their stance and their moves but soon, I found myself losing focus, staring into space as I thought about her.

Avery _fucking_ Maguire. Why does she have to be such a nuisance? Damn it. Why does she have to fucking mess with my head?

Of all the people in the world, why Avery? - I mean, sure, humanity's in the brink of extinction, but there are still so many options. She's reckless, stubborn and so unorganized and messy. I could name tons of reasons to hate her, but...

I could name just as much reasons to _love_ her dearly.

It's fucking frustrating.

 _Is this how love truly feels?_

I couldn't help but cringe at myself. I feel goose bumps creep to my skin as I thought of considering my feelings for Avery. It's pretty damn unusual.

I never knew that _love_ (I couldn't help but twitch upon mentioning that word.) could be so terrifying for someone who hasn't felt anything for a long time...

"Hey, Levi!" I heard someone call after me. The voice sounded very familiar.

 _Speak of the little devil._

I turned to find Avery running towards me. I felt my heart pound hard against my chest as I watched her approach me. Closer and closer she goes. The wind blew her fiery red hair as she ran. Her emerald eyes were focused on mine as she gazed at me with such a tantalizing stare. I felt my hands become sweaty as I kept them inside my pockets. I was definitely losing my cool and I have NEVER lost my cool ever before.

"You and I need to talk. Now." She said as soon as she closed the distance between us. Her expression was very serious.

 _Uh-oh._

I couldn't help but gulp as I gaze into her eyes. I have never been so intimidated ever in my life.

"I'm busy." I said, clearing my throat as I looked away from her, hoping that she'd just fucking scram and I would be able to get myself out of the situation.

"I don't care. You have a lot of things to explain to me." She demanded.

 _Damn it. I hate it when she gets so stubborn._

"Well then you'd have to wait until I finish my business here." I replied nonchalantly as I turned and walked away from her until she grabbed my arm and pulled me. _Fucking. Hard._

For such a small girl, she had a pretty strong force. I stopped at my tracks to look at her again. Her dark green orbs were blazing with irritation. Her pink hear-shaped lips were pouted in a cute manner as she frowned. I noticed that she looked pretty adorable when she's angry.- But first things, first. She wants to talk.

And I'm not ready to talk. Heck, I don't want to talk.

I let out a"Tch" and rolled my eyes.

"Fine then, you brat. Follow me and we'll talk in private." I said before turning to the new members of my squad who were all busy with their training.

"I'll leave Mikasa Ackerman in charge of you shits while I'm gone. I'll beat the crap out of anyone who doesn't take her seriously during my absence." I announced, before leaving with Avery to go back to the headquarters and then into my office where we can both talk in private.

"So, what the hell do you want?" I asked, trying to sound annoyed as I slammed the door behind me. She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"I want to know what the fuck your problem is with me, Levi. If you have a fucking problem with me, be man enough to say it to my face. You don't have to stab me in the back and tell Erwin such bullshit." She snapped. I maintained a calm expression despite the fact that I was actually, deep down, taken aback with her words. A part of me wanted to be mad a Erwin, but I knew he was just doing his job, assessing the situation, being fair and learning the different sides to a story. A part of me was guilty. I knew I shouldn't have done that. It was just fucking stupid and irrational. I should have just told her the truth and apologized but there was a big part of me, a strong voice in my head that made me annoyed at the thought of losing to her in argument.- A man's pride as what people would call it.

"You want me to say it to your face? Then I'll say it right now." I said as I looked her in the eye and gave her my usual deadpanned expression.

"You're an incompetent piece of shit."

 _I love you._

"And you'll jeopardize the fucking mission."

 _And I don't want to lose you._

"And that's how you truly feel about me?" She asked.

 _No. Of course not._

Her angered expression changed into a sad, hurt one for a moment before she let out a bitter chuckle. "And you thought you could just meddle with my work like that? Sounds like you're just threatened."

"Threatened?" I scoffed, trying to continue with my act.

 _Well, maybe I am._

"You wish."

"Seems like the title, 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier' has totally went up to your head." She remarked as she shook her head in disappointment. "To think that you'd actually go out of your way to bring down a comrade... I never knew that that the captain that I looked up to would turn out this way."

I knew I had no right to feel hurt. I was the one who started with the lies and the insults, but her words pierced right through my heart.

"You should just leave, Avery. You wouldn't understand." I told her as I broke our gaze and looked away so that she wouldn't see right through me.

"Of course I wouldn't understand! You're just so hard to read. One moment you tell me that I'm one of your best cadets and the next thing I know, you're trash talking me in front of Erwin and suddenly telling me that I'm incompetent. Just... What the hell's wrong with you, Levi?" She retorted, suddenly pulling onto my collar, making me face her again.

"Just fuck off, Avery!" I burst, annoyed and frustrated with her pestering. She flinched and let go of my collar. I looked at her with a cold expression, shielding myself, locking away all of my emotions. There was a long pause between us, an awkward silence.

I wanted to tell her the truth so badly, but I knew I had to hold back because everything's just so complicated.

"I should get going." She said, breaking the ice, as she placed her hands in her pockets. She proceeded to do as she had just said and I just stood as I watch her every movement. My feet were glued to the floor as I slowly watch her head to the door.

A part of me wanted to pull her towards me and take back everything that I had just said, but my stupid pride and fear got in the way.

Just as she was about to step out of my office, I rushed to her and pulled her wrist, making her stop from her tracks and at the same time, startling her.

 _Screw all this shit. I don't fucking care anymore._

"L-Levi what are you-"

"Your a troublesome case, you know that? You think you could just come into my life and make me fucking feel again?" I cut her off. I looked into her emerald orbs once again. I could see the confusion in her eyes as I pulled her closer to me.

"Levi, let go!" She said as she tried to push me away. Her fists hitting my chest so hard as she struggled to break free. I stood still and grabbed her wrist to stop her from hitting me. Then without further warning, I pressed my lips against hers, a move she was clearly not expecting as I wasn't expecting of myself either. She tried to push me away, but I only moved closer to her, trapping her against the wall, not allowing her to escape. It took a few seconds for her to loosen up and respond to my kiss. I wrapped my arms around her waist and she wrapped her arms around my neck as I brushed my lips gently against hers. I let my emotions take over and took another bold move and licked her bottom lip for entrance, wanting to taste more of her sweet lips.

If I had known that kissing her would feel this good, I would have done it sooner.

The kiss seemed to go on for eternity. Perhaps, it was the longest few seconds of my life, until we came back to our senses and decided to pull away for air as it left us both breathless.

My mind went hazy, still drunk from our kiss as I looked at the little mess that she is, cheeks flushed crimson red and pressed against the wall of my office. She looked down awkwardly for a while and slightly pushed me to give herself some space.

We were both silent, not knowing what to say to each other after what had happened until she looked me in the eye and spoke,

"Levi, we can't. Let's not do this again." She said in a tone full of regret. I felt a slight pang in my chest.

 _How can you fucking say that when just a moment ago you were enjoying it as much as I did?_

"I'm sorry but, we shouldn't let our emotions get in the way of our job. These emotions, they're just excess baggage. They'll get in the way and cloud our heads when we're in the battle field. You and I both know that as long as we're living in a world invaded by titans, we can't live a normal life. We can't feel. We can't love. We can't even cry when we're in pain."

"But I-

"Save it, Levi. As much as I would like to act upon this incident, I think it's better if we just put it behind us and pretend it never happened. I mean, how would you feel if we both act on this and on the next expedition one of us dies?" She asked, cutting me off. "Are you willing to risk it? Would you like to feel happiness, then have it taken by this shitty world and leave you with nothing again?"

I thought hard about her question and I knew she did have a point.

 _Was I ready to go through all of it again?_

I looked back at the time when I used to be so innocent, back when I saw the world as something beautiful, back when I felt love, back when my mother was alive. Until the world took her away from me and life threw me with shit, one after the other and then I realized...

"I guess not." I sighed.

"Then things are clear..." She said, giving me a sad smile before she turned to leave.

I watched her walked right out the door, letting the opportunity of healing slip away from me. I guess the numbness would have to stay longer for a while...

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 **A.N. This is the first time that I've written an AOT/SNK fanfic. Writing this one was a challenge. I had a hard time portraying Levi's character in his P.O.V. I hope he didn't go OOC on this one. I hope you guys liked what I've written. / Feel free to give comments so that I'll be able to see what I need to work on. Hahaha. Also, tell me. Do you think I should make a sequel? I intended for this to be a one-shot but I've had some ideas for a second chapter. Maybe in Avery's P.O.V. What do you guys think?**

 **With love,**

 **~Kei-chan**


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